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Women are leaving having children until later in life. We are becoming a world of older mothers. The average age at which a mother has her first child in the UK is now 30. Quite a few women are waiting until their 40s to try and conceive. I was 43 when I got pregnant for the first time. So what are the pros and cons of having a baby at 40 plus and being an older mum.
*This post has been updated, it was first published in August 2018
- The Pros and Cons of Having A Baby At 40 Plus
- Pro: I am more financially stable
- Con: It was statistically harder to conceive
- Pro: I have had more experience with children
- Con: I have a lot less energy than I had in my 20s
- Pro: I have a lot more patience than I did when I was younger
- Con: I worry that I will be out of touch with youth culture as my child gets older
- Pro: I have more life experience
- Con: I won’t get to spend as much time with my daughter as I get older.
- And the biggest pro?
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The Pros and Cons of Having A Baby At 40 Plus
There are many reasons that women (and men) may be delaying starting a family. Careers, financial considerations and other life choices may have taken a priority over having children.
I know for me that I was happy in my early and mid 30s building a career and living a pretty selfish life. I was also in a relationship with a less than committed man who didn’t seem to want children. But when I did come to start trying for my family at the age of 42, I found being an older parent very much to be a double edged sword.
There are lots of pros and cons of having a baby at 40 plus. Now I have become a mum in my 40s, here are the ones I have found so far…
Pro: I am more financially stable
This was a big consideration to me when thinking about a child. Did you know that the average cost of raising a child up to the age of 18 is £250,000? I certainly wouldn’t have wanted that cost in my 20s. Now that I have had a career for over 20 years, I am in a much better place to provide for children. I have even been able to take time off to be with my little one growing up. I don’t think that I could have done that any earlier in my working life.
Con: It was statistically harder to conceive
In Pregnant at 43 I told you how I was totally discouraged by the gynaecology consultants telling me that it was going to be very hard to conceive. I never let that put me off though, and used ovulation tests to optimise our chances of success. Statistically though, it is harder to conceive the older a woman gets.
Pro: I have had more experience with children
In my job and in my social life I have watched friends and family have children. I’ve played and interacted with them as they grew. So I have much more experience of how to deal with my own child.
Con: I have a lot less energy than I had in my 20s
I get tired easier and sometimes I do not have much energy. Both myself and my partner have been treated with antidepressants and physiotherapists since having a child.
Lifting and carrying a 12kg weight for any distance is hard. Having said this, I was diagnosed with adhesions from having my c-section, which gave me a lot of serious pains and difficulties for the first year after having Elizabeth. This can happen to a mother of any age, but I am sure that being older slowed the healing process.
Read more about my maternal mental health.
Pro: I have a lot more patience than I did when I was younger
My OH may disagree, but I think I am a lot more stable than I was 20 years ago, and am much more able to sit and listen than I used to be. I think older parents are more likely to be more emotionally stable and relaxed. Though I will say I am prone to worry and anxiety, so I don’t think I will ever be a totally relaxed mum where my child is concerned.
Con: I worry that I will be out of touch with youth culture as my child gets older
I do have a worry that I will be seen as being ‘old fashioned’ and won’t be able to keep up with the hipster young mums even in a couple of years when my daughter starts school. When she is 16, I will be 60. Will I be totally out of touch?
I also fear the day when I get asked if I am Grandma and not mother. I don’t feel old just yet, and don’t feel I look bad for my age, but will a tipping point come?
Pro: I have more life experience
I do like to think that at 51 I have seen a fair amount of life and know a little more how to deal with it. I certainly know more now than I did at age 25, and want to pass that knowledge on. I’ve done a fair amount of travelling, had some crazy times.
A younger mum may resent having her wings clipped slightly. I don’t really mind that I can’t just go out on a whim any more. I want to be in bed by 10pm with a cocoa these days!
Con: I won’t get to spend as much time with my daughter as I get older.
This is possibly the worst con. I may miss out on meeting my grandchildren if Elizabeth doesn’t have children until she is in her 30s, as by then I will be in my 80s. Maybe I won’t be here at all?
I do worry that she may have to care for her aged parents as we get older, as we may suffer health difficulties in our 70s as she is in her early 20s. Just at the same time as I want her to be building a good life, career, relationship of her own.
My own mother is 80. It is sad that she may not see her grandchildren go to university or get married. I can only look after my own health to ensure that I am around for many more years to see as much as I can!
And the biggest pro?
At the end of the day, I think the biggest pro is that I really appreciate what I have right now. My world has been totally changed for the better for having my little girl. I am sure at any age I would have loved to be a mother, but I am so glad that I am doing it today.
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I would love to hear from you if you agree, disagree or have any other pros and cons of having a baby at 40 plus you think I should have thought of. Do comment below, or find me on social media.
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My husband and I adopted later in life! It is both good and tough. I see young families struggle with money and time. My husband makes very good money and with only one child we are already able to start money for her college. #bloggerclubUK
I must admit having one may be as well if we are saving up for college fees. Good to see some bright sides! Thank you for your comment #bloggerclubuk
I am a pretty old mum too. Thankfully, I only hang around with other old birds and have a policy of ignoring my age (don’t look in mirrors, take bloody ages to change lightbulbs so we exist in a curious half-darkness).
I did feel a bit old when we taught the kids to ride bikes. Oh, my aching back!
#DreamTeam
Ha ha, that’s a bridge we need to cross yet, I will look forward to it!
I had my children when I was young, everyone said you will be able to enjoy yourself when they are grown because I will still be quite young, I had a massive stroke aged 43, which has left me disabled, there isn’t a perfect time to have children, enjoy them at every age#itsoj@_karendennis
Very good point Karen.
I had my first child at 34 and I was not financially ready. I was in graduate school at the time. My second baby arrived when I was 38. And I was still not financially ready. I’m 43 and I feel a baby calling. I crunch the numbers in my head often, worried about aging with small children. I’m on the Body Ecology diet mostly and take care of myself. At 41, someone sincerely said I looked like I was 26. In which case, that would make me 28 in appearance. 🙂 (Yes, I keep telling myself.) I don’t feel “old” yet. My own mother was in her early 20s when she had 3 kids and 2 more by 34. Everyone always asked if we were sisters. It was difficult having a young immature mom growing up. She had low self esteem, and struggled hard with parenting. (Not the case for all young moms of course). I was terrified at the thought of having a child before 25. Sex was not as enjoyable hopping off all the time. :/ I was married by 25, but we wanted to enjoy each other. We traveled to many places and grew up together. If I could go back, I might have started a family by 30, 31, 32. I had a minor health concern I needed to address and I just wasn’t ready. We were having sex without birth control-(except for sometimes avoiding when I was most fertile) so I left it up to Divine will. By 33, we called in our child with intention, we had a ceremony- aphrodisiacs and everything. I charted for 1 month and we conceived. (I also did detoxing before, and Maya abdominal therapy.) I think if people change their diet from an early age people will live longer and healthier, aging better than we see today (60 may someday be mid-life). In which case we’ll probably see a trend going up of women conceiving healthy babies starting in 40s! Science has figured out what we need to eat to age well, and live longer…and we’re still learning. If only we can get everyone on board.
I really enjoyed this! I had my youngest just before turning 39 and I do worry about all the things you mentioned, especially the idea that I may be too old to help her out as mum as I’d like to by the time she becomes a Mum. I am grateful for the life experience, and the level headedness that maturity has brought me. I was fairly bonkers in my twenties and I think I needed to get that out of my system before having a family. Thanks for linking up with #ItsOK xx
I do agree, my life experience will hopefully help her. But I am still bonkers, so maybe I won’t help that much!
At 42 now, with two young children under five, I can totally relate to most of this – most particularly, how utterly uncool and ancient will I be when my kids are teenagers?!! Not sure I’m any more patient now though 😉 #itsok
Deep down I know I was uncool at 30, so a few extra years won’t probably make that much difference!
I was mid forties when I became a dad.and can relate to much of what you say in your intriguing post. It is definitely worrisome to consider how old I will be when our two are only hitting their strides. But, hey, that’s how it goes!
It is certainly how it’s going to go! Be kind to your children as they will be picking your nursing home!
Oh I love this! It really resonates! Thanks for linking up with #ItsOKxxx
Thank you Kate!
Stopping by again from #itsok
It is definitely true that there are pros and cons to having babies at each stage of life. This was really interesting. Thanks for joining the #DreamTeam this week
Thank you x
I am 38 & have three already but would love one more, so loved reading this! #itsok
Thank you. Good luck!