Accepting That I’ll Only Have One Child

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This has been a post long in my head, but I wasn’t sure that I could actually put it down. Putting it in words feels like an admission of defeat. But this week I’ve been thinking about it a lot. And I am coming round to accepting that I’ll only have one child.

Accepting That I’ll Only Have One Child

Accepting That I'll Only Have One Child

When I was younger I had a definite vision in my head. I would get married in my 30s, have a child a couple of years later and a second baby a couple of years after the first. It seemed like the normal way that things went.

But life doesn’t always go the way you plan does it? Actually, in my 30s I was with a man who didn’t really want to commit. I started doing a second job singing and travelling the country. I couldn’t really trade that life for settling down and children, or at least not with the partner I was with.

And so I ended up still being single at 40. And by the time I did find my perfect man and got pregnant, I was 43. I had our first baby at 44.

Barriers To A Second Conception

And then it seemed like barriers were put in our way to prevent me getting pregnant again. A close GP friend had advised that I definitely should wait a few months before trying again. And I was happy to agree, having a newborn is hard enough without thinking about doing it all again!

But also, after my emergency caesarean, my body wasn’t quick to recover. I spent the first year after having E in pretty much constant pain. It eventually was put down to having adhesions, and I still suffer from time to time. But it didn’t help in the bid for a second child. Time was marching on, and I turned 45.

Then came the worry of having a child with sleep apnoea. E didn’t sleep well, didn’t breath well whilst asleep. I spent a lot of time waking up and checking the monitor to make sure she was ok. And that took it’s toll on my mental health and my weight. Not sleeping enough coupled with worry and stress definitely made me eat more.

I was incredibly unhealthy and not in the best place for getting pregnant again. And as a couple we were both exhausted. Could we do it all again? At that point I really think not. We made a half-hearted effort at trying. But it didn’t happen.

Acceptance

And part of me is glad that it didn’t. Though it has taken such a long time to get to this. I feel like such a failure for not giving E a little brother or sister. I hate admitting that. I’ve actually been battling internally with admitting it for a while now. It is a total list of ‘what ifs’…what if I’d not had a caesarean…what if I’d lost all my weight in the first year…what if I’d not been so stressed about everything?

Trouble is, these are what they are. I am who I am, and I realise that I am a real worrier. And I have put a lot of pressure on myself in thinking that I could possibly go through it all again with a second child. I think the time has come to finally admit to myself that the opportunity has passed.

I was 47 on my last birthday. Gorgeous OH is 50 this year. We have both admitted that it is just easier for us to have the one. And I breathed a sigh of relief at the weight lifted as I am accepting that I’ll only have one child.

Benefits

Maybe it is better to look at the benefits of not having a second child.

  • If we’d have had a second child we would have definitely needed to move. With just E we can just spend money improving our current house.
  • Having just one child means a lot lower cost in childcare. In fact it has meant that I have been able to have a break from work. If we had had a second child I don’t think I would have had a choice.
  • It also means that in future we have more money to take E abroad and give her cultural experiences that we may not have been able to afford with two.
  • I think because we focus on E more, she should be more mature, and hopefully have a little more self esteem.

Will our only child be lonely? I do hope not. Only time will tell. She can play alone, but we do still play with her. And in my head I think back to when I was little. My brother is 3 years older than me. Did we always play together?! I don’t think so! I had lots of my own toys and spent a lot of time in my own imaginative world. As I am sure our little girl will. I don’t think that she is as likely to be as bored as you would think.

It may be a little sad. But our little girl is beautiful. And instead of worrying and fretting over having a second, I want to enjoy her more.

I Have Accepted That I’ll Only Have One Child

I’ll sign her up to some classes and groups where she can get all the friends and companionship that she needs. And make so much more of an effort to see my brother’s little girl. Now, I just need to clear the closets of all the clothes, toys, books and other things that I have kept ‘just in case’. It’s time.

Are you at the point of accepting that you will only have one child? I would love to know your thoughts. Do let me know in the comments. Or get in touch on social media.

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Accepting That I'll Only Have One Child

 

 

 

Musings Of A Tired Mummy

25 Replies to “Accepting That I’ll Only Have One Child”

  1. Carol says:

    Life isn’t always the way we plan. I thought I would get my Masters and then marry at 27. Have my first child at 30. It didn’t happen that way and when I married in my 30’s I didn’t get pregnant. I tried various things and then had to accept I’d have no child. I’m retired now but I still occasionally have a sad spot for the children of my dreams. Love your little one and I hope you find peace. #MMBC
    Carol recently posted…Easy Garlic Rosemary Leg of LambMy Profile

    Reply
    1. Jo Boyne says:

      Making peace with the what ifs is a huge part of life I have found. I am sorry that you too have that sad spot, and wish you peace too.

      Reply
    1. Jo Boyne says:

      Thank you. It has just taken a long time for me to admit, even to myself.

      Reply
  2. Marilyn Jones says:

    Jo, thank you for such a personal post. I’m glad you’re able to accept and move forward with joy and peace about having one child. Your acceptance and optimistic attitude will benefit all of you. I hope for you continued growth and love, and all the best for you and family.

    Reply
    1. Jo Boyne says:

      Thank you. I think that you are right. Moving on and accepting is such a hard thing for me at times. But putting this into words has helped. Thank you for reading.

      Reply
  3. Mrs Mummy Harris says:

    After Ben I was adamant I would only have one child; I had such a bad labour and with PND I really struggled to accept the one thing I really wanted ended up to be potentially the worst decision I had made. I completely get where you’re coming from in coming to terms with this fact when you dreamt of a big brood.
    It isnt a condolence; but I can tell you getting out and about with one child is SOOOOO much easier than two or even three!! Enjoy the time you have to dedicate one on one time.
    Thanks for sharing this with us at #TriumphantTales. I hope to see you back next week.

    Reply
    1. Jo Boyne says:

      Thank you. And yes, I can see that only having one is so much easier to get out of the door!

      Reply
  4. Rosie Doal says:

    I think that’s a really healthy way of looking at it – the benefits of not having another rather than pining over what you could have had. Sometimes we just need to flip things over and see them a different way. Your baby girl is adorable and you’re lucky to have a beautiful, happy and healthy child and I can see you’re a fantastic mum to her x #TriumphantTales

    Reply
    1. Jo Boyne says:

      Totally agree. Got to keep looking at the positives to the situation. I’m sure that she will be happy to be the only one!

      Reply
  5. Michelle Kellogg says:

    I had a definite plan to have 5 children, three boys and two girls. Life didn’t happen that way and I only have two – both boys – but looking back I honestly can’t see having any more. I am 42 and single, just the way I like it, and at 40 I decided it was time to accept that I wouldn’t have any more children. I don’t know many people who are an only child but the ones I do know seem to be very happy. I think as long as you are giving her the love and care she needs she will be a happy child who will become a happy adult 🙂 #GlobalBlogging

    Reply
    1. Jo Boyne says:

      Thank you Michelle. And yes, my goal now is to make sure she is happy.

      Reply
      1. Melissa says:

        Hi, I stubbled across your post and it really resonated with me. After my son was born I struggled with anxiety. The lack of sleep, constant crying and added financial issues took their toll on me. The thought of going through it again made me feel anxious.

        It took me a long time to admit it but I’m at peace with only having one child. Being able to have a child is such a blessing and he’s a wonderful little boy. Thank you for sharing ❤

        Reply
        1. Jo Boyne says:

          Thank you so much for reading and commenting. Anxiety is such a horrible thing, and I am so sorry that you felt that way after your little one was born. Like you say, lots of women would be so grateful for even one child, so being grateful that we have done it once can be enough. Lots of love to you and your little boy.

          Reply
  6. Isabel says:

    Kudos, what a brave post. I think people like you really lead the way for others who are afraid to admit (admit to what by the way? some inner voice?) that their plans panned out differently. And hell, life is what we make of it in the end. #globalblogging
    Isabel recently posted…Do we prefer a photo to real life?My Profile

    Reply
    1. Jo Boyne says:

      Yes, admitting to myself was definitely a big step. My inner voice is incredibly loud!

      Reply
  7. chickenruby says:

    I never had plans for children, marriage or even career after leaving school, even after 3 children who weren’t planned, it was only when we weren’t able to have anymore that I realised there would be no more children and i struggled with that for quite some time. I’m also 47 but mine have all left home now. #triumphanttales

    Reply
    1. Jo Boyne says:

      Isn’t it funny how life goes? Thank you for reading.

      Reply
  8. Heather Keet says:

    It’s hard to come to acceptance sometimes, I’m so glad you’ve made peace with it. I always thought I would have a few kids and I ended up having none – I now enjoy my nieces and nephews every chance I can. #GlobalBlogging

    Reply
    1. Jo Boyne says:

      Thank you Heather. Yes, life doesn’t always turn out how we planned…

      Reply
  9. Crummy Mummy says:

    I know it might sound greedy but I’m at the point of accepting I’ll ‘only’ have 3 children – I’ve always wanted another but I don’t think Misery Guts is going to go for it #MMBC

    Reply
  10. Malin - Sensational Learning with Penguin says:

    Lovely post, thank you. We will also ’only’ have the one child. We’ve got our hands full with our boy and both the husband and myself have acknowledged to each other and to ourselves that we’d really struggle to cope with more children. And we’re happy with one. (I was an only child myself as well, although I had two older half-brothers, who lived with their dad.) xx #TriumphantTales
    Malin – Sensational Learning with Penguin recently posted…This is us: A ‘better late than never’ introductionMy Profile

    Reply
    1. Jo Boyne says:

      Thank you for reading. I agree, I do wonder how I would cope with two children. One has been draining.

      Reply
  11. Tracy Salinas says:

    I am so glad someone was able to write about this. I have been struggling with this for a while now. I have a 5 year old son and was hoping to give him a sibling. After a miscarriage at 8 weeks and a pregnancy loss due to multiple complications at 20 weeks all in the year 2018 I had to come to the realization that we may not be able to give him the sibling he deserved. But we also realized that we’d be able to really focus on him and take him on more trips than what we could’ve done with two children.

    Reply
    1. Jo Boyne says:

      I’m sorry to hear that you have struggled. But yes, it is good to look at the positives too.

      Reply

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