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This has been a post long in my head, but I wasn’t sure that I could actually put it down. Putting it in words feels like an admission of defeat. But this week I’ve been thinking about it a lot. And I am coming round to accepting that I’ll only have one child.
Accepting Only Having One Child
When I was younger I had a definite vision in my head. I would get married in my 30s, have a child a couple of years later and a second baby a couple of years after the first. It seemed like the normal way that things went.
But life doesn’t always go the way you plan does it? Actually, in my 30s I was with a man who didn’t really want to commit. I started doing a second job singing and travelling the country. I couldn’t really trade that life for settling down and children, or at least not with the partner I was with.
And so I ended up still being single at 40. And by the time I did find my perfect man and got pregnant, I was 43. I had our first baby at 44.
Barriers To A Second Conception
And then it seemed like barriers were put in our way as parents to prevent me getting pregnant again. A close GP friend had advised that I definitely should wait a few months before trying again. And I was happy to agree, having a newborn is hard enough without thinking about doing it all again!
But also, after my emergency caesarean, my body wasn’t quick to recover. I spent the first year after having E in pretty much constant pain. It eventually was put down to having adhesions, and I still suffer from time to time. But it didn’t help in the bid for a second child. Time was marching on, and I turned 45.
Then came the worry of having a child with sleep apnoea. E didn’t sleep well, didn’t breath well whilst asleep. I spent a lot of time waking up and checking the monitor to make sure she was ok. And that took it’s toll on my mental health and my weight. Not sleeping enough coupled with worry and stress definitely made me eat more.
Grieving Having Only One Child
I was incredibly unhealthy and not in the best place for getting pregnant again. And as a couple we were both exhausted. But I also was really upset that my body seemed to be letting me down. Could we do it all again? At that point I really think not. We made a half-hearted effort at trying. But it didn’t happen.
Accepting and Making Peace With Only Having One Child
And part of me is glad that it didn’t. Though it has taken such a long time to get to this. I feel like such a failure for not giving E a little brother or sister. I hate admitting that. I’ve actually been battling internally with admitting it for a while now. It is a total list of ‘what ifs’…what if I’d not had a caesarean…what if I’d lost all my weight in the first year…what if I’d not been so stressed about everything the first time around?
Trouble is, these are what they are. I am who I am, and I realise that I am a real worrier. And I have put a lot of pressure on myself in thinking that I could possibly go through it all again with a second child. I think the time has come to finally admit to myself that the opportunity has passed.
I was 51 on my last birthday. Gorgeous OH is 54 this year. We have both admitted that it is just easier for us to have the one and accept our little family as it is. And I breathed a sigh of relief at the weight lifted as I am accepting that I’ll only have one child. What is the ideal family size after all?
Benefits Of Having An Only Child
Maybe it is better to look at the benefits of not having a second child.
- If we’d have had a second child we would have definitely needed to move. With just one kid we can just spend money improving our current house. With multiple children or two or three child families comes a need for more space.
- Having just one child means a lot lower cost in childcare. In fact it has meant that I have been able to have a break from work. If we had had a second child I don’t think I would have had a choice.
- She won’t need to share with her siblings.
- It also means that in future we have more money to take E abroad and give her cultural experiences that we may not have been able to afford with two.
- I think because we focus on E more, she should be more mature, and hopefully have a little more self esteem.
Will our only child be lonely? I do hope not. Only time will tell. She can play alone, but we do still play with her. And in my head I think back to when I was little. My brother is 3 years older than me. Did we always play together as kids?! I don’t think so! I had lots of my own toys and spent a lot of time in my own imaginative world. As I am sure our little girl will. I don’t think that she is as likely to be as bored as you would think.
It may be a little sad. But our little girl is beautiful. And instead of worrying and fretting over having a second, I want to enjoy having only 1 child more.
Learning How To Accept Being A One Child Family
I have accepted that I’ll only have one child. I’ll sign her up to some classes and groups where she can get all the friends and companionship that she needs. And make so much more of an effort to see my brother’s little girl. Now, I just need to clear the closets of all the clothes, toys, books and other things that I have kept ‘just in case’. It’s time.
Are you at the point of accepting that you will only have one child? I would love to know your thoughts. Do let me know in the comments. Or get in touch on social media.
Why not pin me for later?
Life isn’t always the way we plan. I thought I would get my Masters and then marry at 27. Have my first child at 30. It didn’t happen that way and when I married in my 30’s I didn’t get pregnant. I tried various things and then had to accept I’d have no child. I’m retired now but I still occasionally have a sad spot for the children of my dreams. Love your little one and I hope you find peace. #MMBC
Making peace with the what ifs is a huge part of life I have found. I am sorry that you too have that sad spot, and wish you peace too.
Thank you for sharing your story! It helped me know that I am not alone with feeling that second void.
I am certainly in the stage of trying to accept not having another child or just the idea of having another not being in our family plans. I take comfort in where you shared the ideas of what we either were taught or imagined motherhood and family to be. My husband and I have gone back and forth, he is someone that is so sure of himself and decisions and really has remained consistent in his desire to have one child
I on the other hand, worry. Both of us struggled deeply mentally when our daughter was born to no fault of her own of course. It seems only now, nearly 5 years later, that we are in normalcy. While this has been a long-winded conversation we pick back up often, it is not so much the desire for another child that I have, but the worry that I am not doing enough or in fact, taking away something from my daughter by choosing not to. Your writing has given me comfort.
Thank you so much.
I just cried reading this. Because I have the same problem I thought I was gonna have 9 children with my partner but I couldn’t. I had my son in March of 2020 and was taken immediately from him from bleeding so much from the cacerean. Eventually found out I have my uterus removed, that’s the only way to save me, now I’m 27 years old my some is 1. I’m just so thankful my son is perfect and so beautiful and healthy. But yeah there are days when I feel like he might grow up lonely, but I hope me and his father are enough. I love my son K with all my heart hes my miracle baby I swear. God bless you and E and the father you all deserve each other.
So sad to see this Diana. I feel so much for you. I hope you can come to terms with what happened, and lots of love to your family.
You can cut yourself up with all the what if’s. I think the same after having my youngest as I always wanted another but not it’s just not possible.
To come to a decision to have no more children is a big one and it must have been hard to come to x
Thank you. It has just taken a long time for me to admit, even to myself.
Jo, thank you for such a personal post. I’m glad you’re able to accept and move forward with joy and peace about having one child. Your acceptance and optimistic attitude will benefit all of you. I hope for you continued growth and love, and all the best for you and family.
Thank you. I think that you are right. Moving on and accepting is such a hard thing for me at times. But putting this into words has helped. Thank you for reading.
After Ben I was adamant I would only have one child; I had such a bad labour and with PND I really struggled to accept the one thing I really wanted ended up to be potentially the worst decision I had made. I completely get where you’re coming from in coming to terms with this fact when you dreamt of a big brood.
It isnt a condolence; but I can tell you getting out and about with one child is SOOOOO much easier than two or even three!! Enjoy the time you have to dedicate one on one time.
Thanks for sharing this with us at #TriumphantTales. I hope to see you back next week.
Thank you. And yes, I can see that only having one is so much easier to get out of the door!
I think that’s a really healthy way of looking at it – the benefits of not having another rather than pining over what you could have had. Sometimes we just need to flip things over and see them a different way. Your baby girl is adorable and you’re lucky to have a beautiful, happy and healthy child and I can see you’re a fantastic mum to her x #TriumphantTales
Totally agree. Got to keep looking at the positives to the situation. I’m sure that she will be happy to be the only one!
I just came across this post while pinning and wanted to write you. I am in the same position right now. We have a beautiful boy of almost 7 and have been waiting for number 2 for years.
But lately I feel like it’s done. The desire of more babies slowly fades. Also because it feels like that too much time has past and our son is too old to have a baby playmate. Thank you for your post and wishing you and your family all the best in life!
My friend was very much in your position and when she stopped trying, it happened. I hope you find peace with whatever happens in the future.
I had a definite plan to have 5 children, three boys and two girls. Life didn’t happen that way and I only have two – both boys – but looking back I honestly can’t see having any more. I am 42 and single, just the way I like it, and at 40 I decided it was time to accept that I wouldn’t have any more children. I don’t know many people who are an only child but the ones I do know seem to be very happy. I think as long as you are giving her the love and care she needs she will be a happy child who will become a happy adult 🙂 #GlobalBlogging
Thank you Michelle. And yes, my goal now is to make sure she is happy.
Hi, I stubbled across your post and it really resonated with me. After my son was born I struggled with anxiety. The lack of sleep, constant crying and added financial issues took their toll on me. The thought of going through it again made me feel anxious.
It took me a long time to admit it but I’m at peace with only having one child. Being able to have a child is such a blessing and he’s a wonderful little boy. Thank you for sharing ❤
Thank you so much for reading and commenting. Anxiety is such a horrible thing, and I am so sorry that you felt that way after your little one was born. Like you say, lots of women would be so grateful for even one child, so being grateful that we have done it once can be enough. Lots of love to you and your little boy.
I am feeling this. Especially when my 7 year old asks for a brother – one his age not a baby haha.. I wasted my 20s and early 30s on a man who would never commit to me then met my now husband at 35 and we had our first at 38. It was a traumatic birth and my body didn’t recover for over a year. The change of having a little one also took a toll on my mental health. Now coming out of it we tried for a bit in my early 40s but it didn’t happen. I’m thinking that ship has sailed now at 45. But I try to remember all those who don’t get to have even one and what a blessing g it was that he was born healthy with no long term repercussions from the difficult birth. I won’t get my fairytale of one boy and one girl and the birth experience I wanted but I love him so much and feel grateful for him.
Kudos, what a brave post. I think people like you really lead the way for others who are afraid to admit (admit to what by the way? some inner voice?) that their plans panned out differently. And hell, life is what we make of it in the end. #globalblogging
Yes, admitting to myself was definitely a big step. My inner voice is incredibly loud!
I’m having a really hard time coming to grips with only having one child. I got pregnant the second time, had a miscarriage, my partner refuses to try again. I’m devastated. I’m 36, not much more time left. I don’t know how to get over this.
I never had plans for children, marriage or even career after leaving school, even after 3 children who weren’t planned, it was only when we weren’t able to have anymore that I realised there would be no more children and i struggled with that for quite some time. I’m also 47 but mine have all left home now. #triumphanttales
Isn’t it funny how life goes? Thank you for reading.
It’s hard to come to acceptance sometimes, I’m so glad you’ve made peace with it. I always thought I would have a few kids and I ended up having none – I now enjoy my nieces and nephews every chance I can. #GlobalBlogging
Thank you Heather. Yes, life doesn’t always turn out how we planned…
I know it might sound greedy but I’m at the point of accepting I’ll ‘only’ have 3 children – I’ve always wanted another but I don’t think Misery Guts is going to go for it #MMBC
Lovely post, thank you. We will also ’only’ have the one child. We’ve got our hands full with our boy and both the husband and myself have acknowledged to each other and to ourselves that we’d really struggle to cope with more children. And we’re happy with one. (I was an only child myself as well, although I had two older half-brothers, who lived with their dad.) xx #TriumphantTales
Thank you for reading. I agree, I do wonder how I would cope with two children. One has been draining.
I am so glad someone was able to write about this. I have been struggling with this for a while now. I have a 5 year old son and was hoping to give him a sibling. After a miscarriage at 8 weeks and a pregnancy loss due to multiple complications at 20 weeks all in the year 2018 I had to come to the realization that we may not be able to give him the sibling he deserved. But we also realized that we’d be able to really focus on him and take him on more trips than what we could’ve done with two children.
I’m sorry to hear that you have struggled. But yes, it is good to look at the positives too.
Sometimes life doesn’t work out the way that we’ve planned it for ourselves. But God is our planner and he knows best.
I had always wanted at least two children. I come from a larger family. We had the one and she came with a medical issue. She is pretty healthy now, but it was a rough start for her first 2 years and I think those fears are always there. We have been back and forth with having another child for awhile, but it always comes back to money and if we can afford a second. Our mortgage is high and sometimes we even struggle still with us both working full-time. The rising cost of child care is scary. My daughter is 7 now and is thriving at school and is so outgoing, she makes friends everywhere she goes so I’m not worried about her being lonely, but I do so wish that she could experience having a sibling. I know she’d be great at it. So for us, its more of a choice that we have decided, but it doesn’t feel like it sometimes. More often than not, I wish we could have another.
I certainly agree about the costs of raising children. Even with a good income and savings it is not an easy decision. I’m sorry to hear that you feel that it hasn’t been an easy choice and hope that you find peace with it.
This was something I needed to read. I am only 27 but for health reasons it was very hard for us to have our first and we have tossed around the idea of not having another. Even though my health has improved some…some days it’s all I can do keeping up with the one. But the guilt I have had is unimaginable in not giving her a sibling. So thank you for giving me the security that I’m not the only one who faced this and decided that maybe it’s the best that we stick with one.
This is a story that I have heard lots when discussing this topic with friends. Your health does have to come first. Hopefully you will find peace with whatever happens.
I didn’t realise I’m not alone in this feeling. Every night since my son was born I think of having another, but my husband struggles every day with the change and responsibility of having a child and I don’t think I can put him through the stress and the post natal depression he suffers from again. Some days I do see the pros to having the 1 child, but this hormonal/biological urge is so much stronger than my logic
You are certainly not alone Sara. Sorry to hear what you have been through. That is such a difficult situation and I hope it gets better for you.
I only have one daughter and always thought I’d have another. But life didn’t go that way. She never missed having a sibling as far as I know. She has much younger 1/2 brother and sister but she is not close to them at all since the age difference. But she grew up an only child and refers to herself that way. I’d say also you cannot miss what you never had, and not all siblings are close. In my opinion, only having one child is much different. My sister has 4. I will tell you, I never heard things like “That’s not fair”, “she’s your favorite”, “mom so and so’s bugging me”. There are many pluses to having only one. And I’m sure there are pluses to having multiple children too. Also, my daughter also has a child and she’s told me she may only have the one. So, I’m guessing be an only wasn’t so bad. Take care.
Thank you for the comment. And as a younger sibling I totally get the tormenting and ‘that’s not fair’ issues. Maybe there are pluses to only having the one!
I’m putting my own together too. Admittedly the birth stories scare me though. You story bought a tear to my eye! So happy for you all!
I came across this article while sitting in my office crying. It has been the worst accepting that another child is not going to happen. I don’t think I’m even at the accepting point. I’m still mourning the loss. I mean, there are ways to get there, but with covid and needing a lot of money to do some of those fertility treatments/transfers/donations it just isn’t feasible. I feel so defeated and hopeless right now.
Oh Natalie, I am so sorry to see this. And can totally understand. Some days I still am sad that we never had another. I blame myself for not trying harder, for not losing weight, for not having the energy. I didn’t have the extra pressure of thinking about infertility treatments, but I know people who have been there and it can be a really rotten road. And I totally understand how Covid has thrown a spanner in the works for so many women. All I can say is stay hopeful. You don’t say how old you are? But please don’t give up, I know of quite a few women who had babies well into their 40s. My sisterinlaw was 44 when she had her first child, and so was I. And a couple of the people I know had fertility treatment that worked in their 40s too.
Thinking about you x
I am 39 in a month and feel sort of pressured to have a second child. My two younger sisters are pregnant again with their second child’s. But I have made a promise to myself that I will stop trying when I turn 40. It took me 10 years to get my little girl and if the all mighty will not have it, then my daughter will be an only child. Today we with my partner are having a few issues and fighting a lot. So maybe it’s just not meant to be.
I think you know yourself when it is time to stop trying.
I needed to read this. I have been struggling to come to terms with only having an incredible 7 year old son. I am very happy with him and my husband but I´m always thinking and looking at families with 2 or 3 children and secretly envy them…. I had a heart issue that was discovered after my pregnancy and they have recommended not to have anymore. We have looked into surrogacy but it´s very expensive, so I´m trying to just accept the fact of having one but finding it very hard to move on. And it´s affecting our daily life, as I am sometimes unhappy due to this……Thanks for the article!
I am glad it helped even a little. And I do hope that you find peace with it all soon.
Thank you for sharing your story. I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 10 years. I have just turned 40 and had our son through IVF 4 years ago. We have subsequently had 3 more rounds of IVF, to no avail.
I have been really struggling lately, coming to terms with not having anymore children. Guilt for my son and my husband but mainly sadness that our choice has been taken away.
I am eternally grateful to have been blessed with my son and I know we will be just fine- the 3 musketeers- however I need to accept, process and grieve.
I hope you have found some peace x
I have found peace. I recently turned 50 and have the different challenges of menopause to deal with. A second child will have been so hard on me. I am glad if I helped you process your own situation a little.
Thanks for sharing. It took us many years and 4 rounds of IVF to have our miracle daughter. It’s been hard for me at times coming to terms with the fact that we will only have one child. I worry about my daughter missing out when she gets older and I have also felt like a failure because the infertility issues are on my side. We just know we cannot go through IVF again with no guarantee of it working. However, 90% of the time I feel complete and happy with our little family of three and my daughter is the happiest child so that helps. From what I’ve read about only children they are generally happy and secure and usually have a secure bond with their parents.
Thank you for reading. I am so glad that you had your miracle too. And I too hope that E grows up with the best bond with us because she is our only one.
currently going through this phase as well….after 7 miscarriages and one high risk pregnancy, I am just not able to go through another loss/ trial and still be a good mom for my daughter. It has been one of the hardest things for me to accept. To accept that all the firsts are the lasts as well.
So sorry to hear this. I guess one of the things to accepting that the firsts are also the lasts is being thankful for the fact that we get to have these times, and that there are more firsts coming.
This is something I am going through now. I finally met my soulmate when I was in my 30s, struggled with infertility and was blessed with a beautiful daughter right before I turned 40. Today I am 43, going through my 5th miscarriage, and feel that this journey is over over for me. I wanted a sibling for my daughter, and I worry that she also may be lonely, but I don’t think I can go through another loss. I’m crying as I’m writing this, because it’s all so fresh for me. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
So sorry to hear this. I will tell you, my daughter at nearly 8 isn’t lonely, she may occasionally want a sibling but she is also happy at not having siblings to squabble or share things with too!
Your story resonates so strongly with me. I am struggling with the fact that my one child may be the only one I will have. We have fertility issues (I am not the problem). We only have one shot left but like you, I am a worrier and have experienced low mood and much anxiety since giving birth. My health has been in steady decline and I’m having a hard time getting in a good place mentally and physically. I know I couldn’t support or go through new born phase or second child now but I can’t help but long for one. I’m trying to let go but it’s so hard.
So sorry to hear this. I hope you find peace with whatever will be. I do think it is a mixed blessing.
Thank you so very much for sharing your story. It is so relevant to my experience, our experience. I love love love my little boy and I don’t want to take anything away from getting to be his momma. By putting the word “grieving” to what I am experiencing related to not having another child, it feels freeing. It brings hope that I’ll be able to move through this and come to acceptance. It makes me feel like it is okay to say that, yes, I did want another child and that it just didn’t work out. Life did happen and we haven’t been able to have another. And, we have had so many beautiful experiences with our son likely due to the fact that we have more resources available because we only have the one child. Thank you, again, for sharing your journey. It is so powerful and enlightening.